Talking to myself....

I knew had to stop this. I have to stop NOT WRITING my thoughts! Since mom died, I kind of lost the drive to write; hence the demise of my "potential blogging career" (naks haha). More importantly than that, I knew it would be the death of me - who have always practiced introspection every now and then, and who have always needed an outlet to vent out my discombobulating idealizations. How could I forget the many times I told myself that writing was my therapy?

Anyway, I knew I could contain myself with my thoughts but I didn't know until when I could hold up. What I knew was that I would, at some point, reach a peak. That "at some point" is now. In the past years, there was an instance or two when I TRIED writing again, but I just couldn't finish and thus gave up midpage. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na kaya! I will burst if I don't stop this internal hibernation!!!

I kept telling myself, "I will write again after I finish my thesis," so I decided to drown myself in academic waters. Heck, I literally drowned with overwhelming information! And just last night, I found myself breaking down into tears not because I was sad or miserable, but because I was WAY TOO OVERLOADED with info. In short, focusing on just one task (thesis) got me out of focus. Hindi ko keribels itetch! I need something else, an outlet, to balance my life! So I realized, I have to PAUSE, make SELF-CHECKS, and write down what I think and feel. I can't keep them inside anymore because they now mix up with all those thesis-related stuff. As a result, I get disoriented, disorganized, confused, and CRAZY! That's why I'm writing now to shed off some thoughts (on a side note, I wish I could also shed off some pounds! haha). Aba, nakakaloka ha. Hindi madaling mag-analyze ng sarili! Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin kong i-figure out: 'yong thesis ba o 'yong sarili kong utak!

So what is the point of all this? I'm stressed out! What should I do???

1. I'm stressed out because I'm too OC with my thesis. I want everything to be flawless, so I keep looking for loopholes; and since NOTHING is ever perfect, I end up finding more and more flaws which I then try to iron out. But then, the cycle never ends, so I just keep on expounding and expanding....hanggang nawala na ako sa focus. What should I do? Don't be too OC! Wag akuin ang lahat ng problema. I think I should just focus on one issue and let future researches tackle the others.

2. I'm stressed out because I am in a rush. Now, this does not mean na apurado akong tao. I think ganito kasi yun: whenever I have to do something, that "task" doesn't leave my mind. It's just there hovering around my hippocampus. And I'm bothered by that. I don't want anything lurking in my brain, so my compulsion is to get it done right away. I find it amusing when some people compliment my being "efficient," when in fact I just can't stand to-do's lingering in my list so I get rid of them ASAP. Anong konek sa thesis? Thesis, unfortunately, doesn't get done overnight, in a week, or in a month. :-( So I have to put up with something transiently yet indefinitely residing in my cortex. And that bothers me a lot. What should I do? I don't know. That's me and that's how I've always dealt with things like that. I know there are ways to help me: calm down, focus on the 'now,' time management, etcetera, etcetera. I've read about them and I swear I tried applying them. But after that, what? The fact still remains that this to-do needs to get done but it is still here because it has to wait some time 'til it gets hatched. Hay...this is one thing I am really not good at.

3. Lastly, I'm stressed out because I am not dancing! I need to brain-balance myself. I just can't let my left brain do all the thinking; my right brain has to move, too! Ok I know the motor cortex is present in the prefrontal sections of both hemispheres, but dancing is not all movement, you know! It's an art!! It requires creativity, which happens to belong to the right fellow in the crown (pun intended). So what should I do? DANCE. Or since TIME is a fiendish entity at this point, at least try to do something creative. Any suggestions?

So there <big sigh>. Thank you pen and paper, keyboard, computer and internet for hearing my thoughts. I just needed to let that all out of my mind! Yey, I was able to shed off some thoughts! Time to fill-in again. Back to thesis mode. :)